On This Moment

and being a mess

I’ve been thinking a lot about loss this week. The election results hit me hard and became connected to other losses I had during the week trump won eight years ago. I’m not going to sugar-coat it. I’ve been a mess.

Perhaps you’re a mess, too.

I know that people react in as many ways are there are people. Most in my circle are in some version of distress. Part of the problem is the unknown. Intellectually, we know that the unknown is exactly that: unknown…but then again, we’ve seen this clown show before. With this coming presidency, it’s safe to say that anything is possible. Things could actually be worse than we imagine. Or not. We just don’t know.

We claw our way for solid information. There’s a slippery slope. Both solidity and information are all over the place. So we slide.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about my mood and I have no regrets. I stand by my words.

I will not let the fearmongers take that away from me. They may get the future. Who knows? But I DAMN well won’t let them steal my today.

On November 5th, I didn’t stay up to watch the results. I generally don’t because as my Dad used to say: News will find me. Waking up to teary texts from friends was how I found out. At first, I was confused, because the only piece I was certain of was that nothing would be decided that night. I had trusted history — that the American people’s rejection of him last time was a piece of information I could lean on, that it would be repeated. Boy, was I wrong.

After that one incorrect assumption came the rest of it and the phrase “mandate from the people” began to make me physically ill.

After three days, I was still in that place where I couldn’t stop crying. People I loved started telling me they’d never seen me like this before. They hadn’t. Usually I’m the one who listens to others cry. But something had let go inside of me, something deep which I am still processing.

If you’re wondering how I’m functioning, I will tell you that I am working on it. My therapist, my minister, my sweetie and my closest friends have all been listening to me. I’ve gone back to the Y for swims. I’m not following the news. As before the election, I am taking it one day at time, as we say in recovery groups. There’s a reason we say it; we want to keep recovering.

And a word about privilege. As a white, cis person in Massachusetts, I know that my position is better than most of the damn world. I’ve been thinking about John Lewis this week, and how glad I am that he’s not alive now to see these election results. I see friends of color posting about how they aren’t surprised by the election results. History and the current world offers: theft, colonization, genocide and cruelty, so in so many ways, of course the results weren’t surprising.

This isn’t about me. This is about what I hold most precious in life: human decency. I reject the idea that most people want the leadership that trump represents. I honestly don’t understand him but I've stopped trying.

The only thing that has been said to me in the last two weeks that feels clear to me is that the best thing to do is to keeping loving. To stay engaged with the people who are in need, to give in whatever ways we can. That, I promise, I will do. I must. Life demands it. As I said to one old friend: I will get back to my fierce self. It’s just going to take awhile.

So whatever shape you are in, I send you love. I send you a huge wraparound hug. It’s all I’ve got.

Peace.